The Leaky Bucket
by MadnessJones
Summary: Three ordinary merchants bite off more than they can chew when they accidentally purchase a Torus class Engi battleship from a rebel shipyard. Now the crew has to navigate the fine line of neutrality and business with a Federation class target on their backs.
1. The Mistake

_Author's Notes: This is my first and probably only fanfic for the game FTL. I don't even know why I want to write this thing, but I have been super inspired. This chapter is just a prologue of the misadventures to come in this story. I actually have a couple more chapters written already, but it'll be a couple days before they're ready to post. Thank you to those who give this story a chance. Don't worry if you're not familiar with the game. Everyone is an OC and the story mostly just uses the aesthetics of the game. Thank you for reading, and please review :)_

* * *

Chapter 1

The Mistake

Sitting around the poker table was a veritable kaleidoscope of alien species. Despite this tavern being in a rebel camp it still felt like a Federation interplanetary summit. The war between the Rebel Alliance and the Federation was still devastating the galaxy, but in this tavern the only thing people cared about was eating, drinking, and gambling.

There was an Engi, a robot made up of millions of nanobots, carefully calculating whether he would up the ante or not. He had been staring at his cards for ten minutes, and the other players were starting to feel restless.

"Situation: Bleak. Solution: Fold," The Engi finally said to the other players. Everyone else breathed out in relief.

The next player was a Zoltan, a green bipedal being made of pure energy that came from a culture that was all about the rule of law. Others races had different phrases to describe them, not all of them flattering, but humans tended to go with 'stick in the mud'.

"My hand is sufficient for victory. I raise to 40 scrap," The Zoltan decided.

The next player was a Rockman, a species that never bothered to name itself but was more than willing to tell everyone else exactly what they thought of them. Rockmen were paranoid, powerful, and ruthless. They made good loyal friends, but terrifying opponents.

"I raise to 50 scrap!" The Rockman bellowed challengingly, "Anyone got anything better?"

"Maybe I do, maybe I don't," The human, a pale skinned brown haired female, said evasively, "But I doubt you can afford to find out. I raise to 60 scrap. What about you, handsome? Your hive give you enough lunch money to play with the big boys?"

"It'sss called a clutch, you miserable meat sssack!" The young Mantis next to the human hissed.

Everyone else at the table became nervous upon seeing the human female's bravado. The Mantis were a warrior race that killed everything on a whim, even their own kind. They were quick and efficient, though incidentally not very bright. Most didn't live to be that old, but the strongest could live for centuries.

"Clutch, hive, AA meeting, whatever," The human rolled her eyes, "You gonna play or just stand there like a potted plant?"

"I raise to 100 scrap!" The Mantis shrieked furiously as he slammed his bits of metal currency on the table.

The human, Sandra Perkins, had overplayed her hand. She knew by the time it got back to her she wouldn't be able to raise anymore, and had merely been trying to psyche out the Mantis. She just hoped that scrap was all she lost. The Mantis were known to take fingers when they didn't like someone. She was just grateful she gave her crew the rest of their collective savings to buy their new ship.

"Well, Slug? Do you challenge me?" The Mantis sneered at the slimy yellow creature next to him.

"Of course not," The Slug replied as if it should be obvious, "I may be virtuously greedy, but I'm not a fanatic. Challenging an angry Mantis is suicide. Besides, I can sense everyone's stress levels. If I had to gauge, I would say...The Rockman had the best hand."

"With that lovely bit of information in mind," The Zoltan interjected, "I add 110 scrap to the pot and call. I believe my hand surpasses the Rockman."

Everyone showed their cards, but the Slug was blind and therefore couldn't see anyone else's hand. He called over his slave girl, a human he had bought from pirates, and ordered her to read the cards for him. Sandra, the other human at the table, sneered at the exploitation of an innocent being. Ever since the war began slavery had become more common, and pirates were quick to take advantage of the situation. For humans, who had abolished slavery on their own planet, the practice was disgusting.

"The Rockman does have three of a kind, which is normally a winning hand," The slave girl said nervously, knowing she was being scrutinized by her master, the Rockman, and the Mantis, "But the human has an ace straight flush."

"What'sss that?" The Mantis asked, not familiar with all of the game terms quite yet.

"It is a royal flush, and a royal flush is the best hand," The Zoltan explained, "Apparently Captain Perkins has all diamonds."

"If only that was true in real life," Sandra quipped, "Listen, we're all friends here. I'd be happy to take your money, but I can tell _some_ of you," Here she looked at the Mantis and Rockman, "Are sore losers. So, I'll let everyone take back what they bet if someone buys me a slice of sprinkle cake and a martini at the bar."

"Those were not the established guidelines," The Zoltan replied indignantly.

"Fine. I'll take your scrap and let everyone else keeps their's," Sandra chuckled.

The Zoltan, despite having no facial features, somehow still managed to look ticked off. This made the Mantis and Rockman laugh, which resulted in the Rockman buying Sandra's meal for her. She didn't know how she managed it, but she somehow kept her money and her fingers. She just hoped Ryan's negotiation with the ship depot was going as well as her poker night.

Sandra and her crew of Engi merchants came to the rebel compound to buy a new ship after theirs had been trashed on their last stock run. They needed something stable, even if it wasn't the most powerful ship in the galaxy. If only she knew what machinations Ryan was up to...

* * *

When Sandra finally got around to meeting Ryan at the shipyard, she couldn't believe the trade he had managed to pull off.

"Whoa. This...This can't be ours," Sandra Perkins gasped at the monstrosity before them.

"All trades: Final. This ship: Our possession," Ryan replied cheekily.

"Those rebel fools," Sandra smirked as she beheld the ship from space dock.

Sandra and her crew, a united pair of Engi named Ryan and Ariel, were merchants that mostly dealt in fuel, ammo, and a few curiosities that came from far-flung planets. Their reactor had been stolen during the raid that claimed their old ship, so they were towed in by a rebel stronghold and told they could purchase a new ship from them. They paid for a standard Engi merchant vessel. What they got was one of the strongest ships they had ever seen.

"It's a Torus class Engi battle cruiser. The rebels can't possibly know it's a warship," Sandra whispered to Ryan in case anyone else heard them, "The Federation has kept this thing under wraps for years. The only reason I know about it is because I went to the academy when this thing was being built."

"Former status: Unknown. Sandra: Federation graduate?" Ryan asked curiously.

"Not graduate. A dropout," Sandra simpered, "But yeah, this ship is next level. If we keep it the Rebel Alliance will get mad at us. What if we get shot down?"

"All trades: Final," Ryan repeated, a glint in his black visor.

Sandra laughed at his conspiratorial tone. Many humans assumed Engi were nothing more than logical automatons, but Sandra had spent too much time with her crew to believe that. The truth was Engi were very emotional and complex beings. They just happened to be made out of tiny metal nanites and liquidation fluid instead of flesh and blood. Ryan especially could be quite the grifter. It was one reason why Sandra respected him.

Ariel returned to the small group carrying a data pad and an ignition stick to plug into the cockpit. She looked impassive, but Sandra couldn't help but imagine the Engi was grinning like a fox.

"Title transfer: Complete. Voyage: Prepared upon choice of destination. The future: Ours!" Ariel proclaimed as she held up the key, "Perkins: Ready?"

"Always. Now we just have to name this fine piece of jumbled up technology," Sandra replied.

"Suggestion for designation: 111.578.01," Ryan offered.

"Come on, dude. You know I'll never remember that," Sandra said dryly as she placed her hands on her hips.

"Designation: Shortened to 578.01?" Ariel suggested hopefully.

"No! It needs a _name_," Sandra insisted, "Something that's innocuous and unassuming. We don't want to be taken for Federation, after all."

"Oh! Name preferred: Innocent. Understood. New suggestion: 946279.332," Ryan replied confidently.

"Dude, I can't even remember _your_ real name," Sandra pointed out, "Why do you think I call you Ryan?"

"Reason for name Ryan: Meaning: Illustrious," Ryan replied impishly.

"Oh, brother..." Sandra muttered under her breath.

"Suggestion: Perkins selects name," Ariel interjected.

"Thank you! A reasonable person," Sandra said half-jokingly, "Okay then, this ship is super powerful, had combat drones, a fully functioning Engi med unit, and yet the whole thing looks like something a Lanius coughed up. Hm...I say we call it The Leaky Bucket. That way no one thinks it's worth anything."

"Designation: Acceptable," Ryan conceded, "Still not as good as 111.578.01."

"Inferiority: Irrelevant," Ariel chided him, "Vessel: Important. Functionality: Prioritize. Leaky Bucket: Fine name for a fine ship. Wink."

Sandra couldn't help but laugh. Since Engi had no eyelids or even more than one visor they couldn't wink, so Ariel had to settle for saying _wink_. Sometimes Sandra couldn't believe her luck. Normally it was terrible, and had only gotten worse since the war between the Federation and the Rebel Alliance. All the fighting had really eaten into their profits, but now they had the means to protect themselves and their cargo. This journey was going to be amazing, and the three of them were going to be rich!


	2. Staying Alive

Chapter 2

Staying Alive

Sandra settled into the pilot's chair while Ryan went to engineering and Ariel went to weapons. Putting Ariel in charge of weaponry seemed like a terrible idea. Their old ship didn't even have weapons, and Ariel only knew how to handle them from the instructional material she had downloaded. If she could hit the broad side of a Rockman vessel they would be lucky. Not to mention the constant tingling sensation of the med unit was getting on Sandra's last nerve.

"Is there a way to shut that off?" Sandra asked.

"System shutdown: Not advised," Ariel replied, "Med unit: Useful in case of emergency."

"_Fine_," Sandra sighed, "But I feel like bugs are crawling all over me."

Ariel just shrugged on the view screen and then returned to minding her weapons systems. The crew could communicate through the comm system if necessary, but for the most part Sandra was going to try to focus on her piloting.

There were many FTL (Faster Than Lightspeed) gates to choose from on the map. Faster than light travel had been a real boon for businesses when it was first introduced a little over an earth century ago, but to Sandra it meant nothing more than figuring out which button to press in hopes of finding business opportunities. Her old map told her everything about each individual gate, but with the war going on current maps weren't updated beyond a general sector's political control, so for the most part she was flying blind.

As Sandra scanned over the map she noted that one of the nearby ports was broadcasting a distress signal. Normally Sandra would never answer a distress call. Her old ship wasn't equipped to handle so much as a stray chunk of asteroid. This ship however could actually do something. They were powerful now, and the crew could actually help someone in need. Sandra smiled to herself and set a course for the beacon.

Realizing this could be trouble, Sandra turned on the comm and announced "Hey guys, I'm following a distress beacon. There could be trouble. Ariel, warm up the weapons. Ryan, boost the power to the engines in case we need to run."

This announcement was met with dutiful acknowledgement from the crew, and the FTL activated to get them where they needed to go.

When they made it to the beacon they saw a small ship that had been badly damaged. Sandra looked for scanners on the ship, but apparently even a Torus class warship didn't come with decent scanners anymore. Sandra couldn't help but think about how impoverished the Engi government must be to not even be able to equip their ships with everything they needed. To the Engi ships were living beings created by a community to serve as protection and familial companionship. They _never_ scrimped on building ships before the war.

"Report: Scans?" Ariel asked over the comm.

"We don't have powerful enough scanners to determine if anyone's alive down there," Sandra explained, "If we want to figure out if anyone's down there, then we need to board the ship."

"Attachment: Necessary," Ryan pointed out through his comm signal, "Crew teleporter: Unequipped. Backup: Required. Ryan volunteers."

"Ariel volunteers in addition to Ryan," Ariel added.

"Good. Let's go," Sandra ordered.

Once the crew entered the ship everything was dark and musty from the stale air being poorly recycled through the vents. Sandra kept a firm hold on her stun pistol. It wasn't a powerful gun and didn't kill the target, but it was all she could afford. Ryan and Ariel had weapons installed in their arms, so she was at least grateful they could protect themselves.

"Alright guys, we're going to have to split up," Sandra told them, "I'll take the cockpit, Ryan you take the storage area, and Ariel you take engineering. If anyone's still alive maybe we can save them."

Without a word the pair of Engi went off to perform their tasks. Sandra likewise walked further into the putrid ship and into the unknown.

At first there didn't seem to be anyone aboard, alive or dead. Sandra wondered if perhaps pirates and shown up and taken the crew hostage. It was amazing how lawless the depths of space could be. Even with all the millennia of advancement each race had made, there were still those out there who considered their fellow sentient creature as nothing more than objects to be used.

As Sandra approached the cockpit, she could hear the sound of two men arguing. They sounded half crazy, and every now and then it sounded like one hit the other. She knew she was probably walking into a dangerous situation, so she pinged Ryan and Ariel to let them know to meet her at her position.

She opened the door to see what all the ruckus was about, and the pair of skinny sallow-eyed humans whipped around to look at her as one; like owls that had been startled.

"Greetings, gentlemen," Sandra began, "I am Captain Perkins, and I have responded to your distress signal. We-"

Before Sandra could finish her sentence however, one of the men pulled her inside and slammed his hand on the button to close the doors. Sandra immediately drew her gun, and the men did the same. The look they gave her could only be described as hungry, and that only became more apparent when one man said...

"Don't shoot the legs or middle. That's where the fat is."

"Hey! It's just water weight!" Sandra snapped defensively, but then paused when she realized what he meant by that.

They were going to _eat_ her!

One of the men shot at her shoulders, both to incapacitate her and force her to drop her gun. The other man couldn't wait and began biting at her right arm! Sandra screamed and kicked at her assailants, but in such close quarters without the use of her arms she was virtually defenseless. These men were maniacs, and in between the fear and the panic there was just enough room left in her brain to be ashamed to be from the same species as these animals.

She was bleeding, the laser shots burned, and she was sure she was going to die. Before that happened however Ryan forced his way through the doors and rammed the guy with the gun into the wall! An Engi wasn't edible to humans, so the biter continued assaulting Sandra. One of one felt like better odds however, so Sandra head-butted her attacked and then used a free leg to kick at him.

The gunman was starting to get the upper hand over Ryan. While Ryan might have had a stronger body and sharper mind, the assailant was hungrier and more desperate to live. Sandra likewise was down for the count and was sure she would be eaten alive by these crazed starving lunatics. Just as all hope seemed lost however, both men were shot down by Ariel, who was standing in the doorway.

"Assistance: You're welcome," Ariel said smoothly as she blew on her smoking cannon/hand.

"Wow, I didn't...know you could...aim so clearly..." Sandra said weakly, still losing blood.

"Unconscious cannibals: Predicament. Suggestion?" Ryan asked Sandra.

"We can't...leave them here, even if they did...try to eat me," Sandra replied, "Ariel, tie them up. We'll take them to a settlement."

Ariel did as instructed, and even carried the two men to the ship. Sandra and Ryan supported each other as they walked back; both injured and weak from the fight. As they entered their own ship Sandra could feel the med unit working, and even before they got to the medbay she could feel the wounds closing up and her arms regaining some mobility. Ryan likewise was being repaired.

"Wow...Ariel was right," Sandra admitted, "This thing is great for emergencies."

* * *

Most ships probably would have dropped the cannibals off at a hospital. Sandra and her crew dropped them off on a bench at a store. Not very practical, but the crew needed to get some shopping done anyway.

As they perused the bazaar-style market nestled comfortably under a clear stargazing dome, everyone had a different idea of what they should be doing. Ryan wanted to set up a booth to sell their ammo, Ariel wanted to buy a repair drone for the ship, and Sandra wanted to find contacts for purchasing more stock. As it turned out, they did all three.

Ryan and Sandra set up a booth filled to the brim with missiles and pistol ammo while Ariel bought the self repair drone. She used every last piece of scrap they had collected on that drone, but in Ariel's own words, "Caution pays dividends". Sandra didn't want to argue, but she was secretly a little miffed Ariel wasted all their money on that thing.

All throughout the day Ryan and Sandra sat at their booth waiting for someone to buy their wares. They couldn't beat the prices of their neighbors and earn a profit however, so they sold nothing. With 30 scrap blown on a drone and no one buying anything, they returned to their ship feeling a sense of defeat. Well, except Ariel. She was cuddling the system repair drone like it was her new baby. Engi could be very weird sometimes, Sandra couldn't help but think.

Just as they were about to board The Leaky Bucket a man in a blue and purple uniform suddenly shouted at them to wait. Sandra sighed, thinking it was some stupid Federation patrol going to inspect their ship for contraband. They'd probably find it too, since the crew wasn't particularly picky about what they sold as long as it wasn't alive and could make them money.

"Excuse me, which one of you is the captain?" The man in the uniform asked.

The Engi pair pointed at Sandra, and she scowled at being thrown under the bus. Now if he found something illegal she was the one who was going to be arrested. Some friends they were...

"Captain, I couldn't help but notice your Torus class ship," The man began.

_Oh great..._ Sandra thought frustratedly. _He's going to think I stole this ship. _

"I know where a Federation outpost is. You can get more supplies for your journey there," The man informed her.

"Supplies?" Sandra asked dumbly, surprised she wasn't being arrested, "Journey?"

"The coordinates are close by. Don't tell anyone else. The rebels have ears everywhere."

With those whispered words still lingering in the air, the man handed Sandra an ID chip and disappeared back into the crowd. Sandra looked down at it, realizing this was the coordinates for a secret FTL warp gate.

"Do you guys know what this means?" Sandra asked quietly.

"Significance: Unknown," Ryan replied.

"It means we're gonna get free stuff," Sandra told them, a mischievous grin on her face.

* * *

It was a simple operation. All they had to do was dock at the Federation outpost and pretend to be a Torus class crew. Sandra had some academy training, so she would be able to fake being a Federation captain. Ariel would have to be quiet so they didn't realize how little she knew about weapons. Ryan, well...he could sell slime to a Slug, so Sandra wasn't worried.

Ariel had made Sandra a 'Federation' uniform using a bolt of blue _zzztg_ fabric and some purple silk from their inventory. Sandra was once again amazed at the speed Engi worked, and Ariel specifically. She rocked her new phony captain's uniform like she had been wearing it for years, and the crew took a deep breath and let it out before docking with the secret Federation platform.

When they got there Sandra expected more scrutiny, but the Federation officers welcomed them with open arms. Honestly, Sandra felt like they were very naive for government officials. What if she was a pirate or a rebel? Amateurs.

Ryan enjoyed talking business with a couple Slugs that had joined the Federation, and Ariel ate some bland mush that the Engi simply called 'nutrition'. Sandra even managed to sell her old clothes to a nearby refugee. She figured she might as well keep the fake captain's uniform. She also had a fake orange and white Rebel Alliance uniform just in case she needed it back on her ship. Better safe than sorry.

The crew was invited to stay the night in one of the rooms on the station. At first they had refused, but then they saw how big the beds were. The human bed was made of a plush fiber that felt soft and conforming, while the Engi bed was a massive slab pulsating with pure electricity to rejuvenate their power cores while they slept. In short, it was way better than the tiny cots on The Leaky Bucket.

"Oh my goodness!" Sandra sighed as she plopped onto her bed, "I'm starting to see why the higher ups in the Federation want to keep things as they are. This feels like paradise! I wonder if the rebels have luxuries like this."

"Mattress: Powerful," Ryan agreed, "Electricity: Overflowing. Relaxation: Absolute."

"Absolute?" Ariel asked suggestively, "Inquiry. Subject: Union?"

Ryan giggled at her suggestion, and a moment later it registered with Sandra what Ariel had just said.

"Wait. Union? _Now_?" Sandra asked in shock, "Ew, guys! We're sharing a room! I don't wanna see that!"

The pair of Engi just stared at Sandra with their unwavering visors, and Sandra sighed in resignation.

"Do you want me to leave?" Sandra finally asked them.

"Suggestion of departure: Appreciated," Ryan admitted, "Privacy preferred."

"Fine," Sandra groaned, "Just stay off my bed."

With those words Sandra got up and walked around the station, hoping to find something to do for the time it would take for her cohorts to achieve a 'union'. What the Engi called a union wasn't exactly the same as sex, but the Engi treated it as such. At the very least it held the same taboos and excitement in their culture. Part of Sandra was annoyed by her friends' behavior, but the other part of her felt lonely. She was the captain, whether it was a merchant ship or the flagship, that was her role. She was commanding, decisive, and always busy. Because of this, romance was something she simply never made time for.

As she walked around the compound she found an observation deck. The stars glistened so innocently from the murky vastness of space. Sandra knew each star represented chaos. She wasn't fooled by their glimmering beauty.

"Excuse me, Captain Perkins?" A human man suddenly approached her, "I was told to give you this for your journey."

Sandra took the briefcase from the man and opened it. Inside were two missiles, one drone part, and 17 scrap.

"Did you find something on my ship you wanted to buy?" Sandra asked.

"No. Just thought you could use these things for your journey," The man replied, "You're going to the Federation base to stop the rebel flagship, right?"

"Um...sure," Sandra lied, "It's just that in my experience free stuff usually isn't free. I guess I'm just cynical."

"No, you're careful. There's nothing wrong with that," The man replied, "By the way, my name is Sherman. Tony Sherman."

"Nice to meet you," Sandra replied, "You know that I don't need the missiles, right? My only weapon is an ion cannon. The combat drone is supposed to do all the fighting, right?"

"Supposed to? You don't know your own equipment?" Tiny asked playfully.

"It's my first command," Sandra was quick to explain, "My crew and I had a different ship before The Leaky Bucket."

"Why did you call your ship The Leaky Bucket? Isn't that being a little pessimistic?"

"Quite the contrary. It's the most powerful ship I've ever had. I just like irony."

Tony chuckled, and Sandra smiled. She knew she would never see this poor slob again, so she felt safe lying to him. For that night she was a newly decorated Federation captain and Ryan and Ariel didn't suck at their jobs. It used to be someone could be thrown in prison for life for impersonating a Federation officer, but now with the rebellion tearing the Federation apart they simply didn't have the resources to check everyone's credentials. One thing Sandra knew however was that this lack of oversight was going to bite the Feds in the butt. Not that it mattered to her. She would buy and sell with anyone.


	3. Our First Fight

Chapter 3

Our First Fight

The next day The Leaky Bucket was off, and everything seemed to be going well. The 17 scrap didn't make up for Ariel spending their last 30 scrap on a repair drone, but having two missiles to sell and a drone part made everything mostly even. Sandra always thought the name 'drone part' was a bit of a misnomer. It wasn't just a 'part'. It was the base metal used to turn a schematic's design into a fully fledged drone. yet another credit to Engi technology.

As The Leaky Bucket warped through the FTL gate, the sensors showed that they weren't the only ship to do so. Sandra turned on the view screen and saw that a rebel scout was approaching them. That was fine. She could probably sell them some ammo or some fuel. As she tried to hail them however, the ship opened fire!

"Prepare the die, Federation scum!" The voice on the other end of the comm cackled.

"Great," Sandra said to herself, "These morons wanna kill us. Alright then, if we're gonna die then we're gonna go down fighting."

Sandra then ordered Ariel to open fire and ordered Ryan to release the combat drone. The little fighter drone activated and Sandra prepared for the shots that would cripple their poor Leaky Bucket. One thing Sandra forgot about though was that she was no longer in her former merchant ship. This ship was actualy prepared for battle, and the shields held off every attack.

"What the...?" Sandra muttered when she noticed they weren't taking any damage.

Meanwhile the combat drone was making quick work of the rebel ship. It was an amazing sight to behold for the inexperienced crew. Ariel's ion blast didn't hit its mark every time, but it didn't have to. They were safe, and the rebel ship was playing defense now. It was like being inside a protective bubble.

Suddenly, there was a call from the defeated rebels. Sandra couldn't wait to take it.

"Please, don't kill us!" The rebel captain screamed, "Take everything in the cargo hold! Just call off the drone!"

"How much are we talking here?" Sandra asked, always ready to negotiate.

"Four gallons of fuel, a drone part, and 13 scrap," The rebel replied, "I know it's not much, but it's all we have. Honest!"

He was right about it not being much, but Sandra thought about what she had spent. It took one drone part to activate the drone, and she would get that part back. So, her profit was four gallons of fuel and 13 scrap. Not a lot, but a net gain. She especially didn't mind since her ship would require no repairs.

"You got a deal. Ryan, call off the drone," Sandra ordered.

The drone was ordered back to the ship's cargo hold, and the rebels breathed a sigh of relief. Sandra did as well, since she now knew her ship was a force to be reckoned with.

* * *

Later that day, once the excitement of the spoils of battle had worn off, the crew returned to their normal duties. The next warp was close to a sector gate that would lead them to a new territory. Sandra just hoped they didn't end up in Mantis or Rockman space. Those guys were jerks.

There was another station near the exit port. The crew thought maybe they could set up shop there and try to sell some missiles and whatnot. Instead what greeted them on the viewscreen was a dilapidated station that had been torn asunder. Whether it was the rebellion, the Federation, the Mantis, or someone else was irrelevant. Everything was in ruins.

"Observation: We have to refuel elsewhere," Ryan commented.

"Yeah," Sandra agreed, "I hate seeing things like this. Remember when it was safe to trade through this area of space? How can something as ridiculous as politics ruin a good thing for everybody?"

"Perkins: Observe!" Ariel suddenly shouted and pointed to the sensors, "Lifesign: Weak. Suggestion: Investigate."

"No way!" Sandra protested, "Last time we 'investigated' I almost got eaten!"

"Suggestion: Not based on logic. Suggestion: Based on morality," Ariel pleaded, "Lifesign: Faint. Unknown lifeform: In peril."

"Ugh!" Sandra roared in frustration, "Why does it have to be us? Why did we have to be the ones to find this stupid place?"

"Suggestion: Ryan goes alone," Ryan offered, "Ariel: Stays at weapons. Sandra: Stays at controls. Ryan: Saves lifeform."

Sandra gratefully agreed, and then prepared to dock with the station. Ryan tested all of the tools and weapons hidden in his arms before he went aboard the station. He wasn't going to take any chances.

Once Ryan was aboard the station the first thing he noticed was how badly everything smelled. Clearly most of the lifeforms on the station had been organic, because everything smelled of iron based and copper based blood. Iron was the main component in human blood. Copper was found in Mantis blood.

As Ryan walked down the dark hallways he stepped on something hard that crumbled beneath his metallic feet. He looked down, and saw the rubble-like remains of a Rockman. Ryan cringed, realizing he had just desecrated the pieces of a dead body. He moved quickly around the ship in hopes of finding anything alive.

After an hour of searching Ryan found nothing. No one was left alive on the station...if the lifesign had even been genuine in the first place. With no one to rescue, he contacted Sandra.

"News: Grim. Survivors: Zero. Instructions: Requested," Ryan said over the comm.

"No one's left?" Sandra repeated, "Fine. Take anything of value and return to the ship. Scan everything for potential viruses first. I hear Engi are sensitive to computer viruses, and you know what happens when hostile microbes combine with human bloodstreams."

"Acknowledged," Ryan replied, "Stand by."

Ryan then scouted around the ship and looted what he could. There wasn't much of value, as whoever had attacked the station previously had stripped it clean of most valuables. Ryan managed to find a data pad and stylus that could be kept or sold, a gold trophy that could be melted down and made into new scrap, as well as 11 scrap that had been hidden under someone's mattress. Not much, but better than nothing. Ryan took one last look at the impromptu cemetery before leaving, wondering when lives had become worth so little.

* * *

Fortunately for the crew, the next sector was Engi controlled space. Everyone felt like they were home when they saw that. Sandra had been raised in an Engi colony because her father had worked in one of their research institutes, so she always felt more comfortable around Engi than around her own kind. Then again considering how unpredictable humans were, could anyone really blame her?

The Engi were generally a cautious people, and in fact were considered cowardly by many races. It wasn't actually cowardice however, but rather the Engi valuing themselves as expensive and irreplaceable technology. That meant it was impossible to tell which side any given Engi colony would sympathize with. They would follow a winner, but the war was as unpredictable as the intergalactic stock market. Just to be safe, Sandra had both of her phony uniforms on standby under her console. She would change colors depending on who or what they encountered.

As it turned out the next colony they encountered was still Federation controlled, so Sandra wore her blue uniform when she and her crew docked at the station. Just like last time, they were welcomed with open arms and allowed to stay in a comfortable room.

"This trip so far has felt like hotel hopping," Sandra laughed as she sprawled out horizontally on the bed so her head and legs were hanging off the sides, "Except we don't have to pay!"

"Federation scientist: Requested captain's presence," Ariel informed her, "Advice: Ask for more scrap and drone parts."

"Well, we'll see where negotiations go," Sandra smirked, "Maybe we'll get a new ship if I tell them Ryan is a world class pilot or something."

"Response: Make it so, Number One," Ryan joked.

This caused the others to laugh as well, and Ryan and Ariel looped their arms together before drinking each other's drink. Sandra tried to ask what it was, but neither of them knew. They just knew it had the effect of alcohol on the Engi fuel processing system. Knowing they would probably want privacy (again) Sandra decided to meet with the Federation scientist.

As it turned out the scientist was an Engi, but he looked a bit...off. His visor had a purple tint whereas most Engi had a black, green, or red tint to their visors. His neck also occasionally twitched. That didn't seem right either.

"Hello there," Sandra greeted him with a friendly smile despite her unease, "I heard you had something to show me."

"Information: Accurate," The scientist replied; his voice seeming slightly garbled, "Designation: Virus. Mood: Enchanted upon meeting you. Business: Pleasant."

Virus? Oh, crud. Sandra knew the other Engi must've been wetting their metallic pants by having him so close to them. In order for an Engi computer virus to gain sentience it had to kill the Engi host's consciousness and take over the dead Engi's body. Slavers would sometimes intentionally infect an Engi slave because viruses gave the body greater skills, but it took away the soul of its host. Not to mention viruses were contagious. Ryan and Ariel could be in danger here!

Sandra's concern must've shown on her face, because the scientist said, "Interest: Professional. Status of Engi Crew: No concern to me. Threat level: Minimal. Purpose: Weaponry."

"Weaponry? You want to buy weapons from me?" Sandra asked, "I'm sorry, but all I've got is an ion weapon."

"Status: Misunderstood. Weapon: My gift to you," Virus explained, "Ion weapon: Insufficient. New weapon: Devastating and wonderful."

Virus then led Sandra to the armory, where he showed her the beam weapon he wished to install on her ship. It was orange, green, and grey. Sandra didn't immediately recognize it, and therefore didn't know it's purpose.

"Is it a halberd beam?" Sandra asked.

"No. Halberd beam: Too straightforward. This weapon: Bio beam," Virus replied; absolutely giddy talking about his weapon, "Bio beam: No damage to ship. All damage: Reserved for crew. See? _Bio_ beam."

Sandra tried not to let it show, but the idea of actually using this weapon freaked her out. She wasn't a soldier. She was just a merchant. She didn't want to kill people. She just wanted to sell them things. Then again, if she refused this weapon her cover could be blown.

"I trust my crew to install the weapon," Sandra finally said, "Your people can bring it to the cargo bay."

"Excellent," Virus replied as he steepled his fingers, "Status: Pleased. Business: Pleasurable. Sadness: Organic union impossible. Hopeful journey: Safe. Goodbye."

With that the virus walked away, and Sandra walked back to her room to tell the crew that they had a new useless weapon to sell. Before she opened the door however, she realized something.

"Wait, was that infected Engi flirting with me?"


	4. When Captains Get Bored

_Author's Notes: I don't know why these chapters are all so short. I meant to write longer chapters, but I guess I just haven't had that much time to write this fic. I know FTL is not popular, so I just want to say I am grateful for those of you who have given it a fair chance. I also want to thank the guest reviewer **lana del fae **for her lovely review. With a fan community this small every kind word matters :)_

* * *

Chapter 4

When Captains Get Bored

Sandra couldn't believe she was having to deal with this. She outranked Ryan, and now _he_ was giving _her_ orders? This was an outrage!

"Why am _I_ the one cleaning out the combat drone?" Sandra whined, "Why can't you or Ariel do it?

"Captain's idea: Feed combat drone fish tacos," Ryan reminded her as he crossed his arms.

"How was I supposed to know it doesn't eat?" Sandra replied defensively, "You and Ariel are mechanical, but you eat!"

"Not tacos," Ryan stated dryly.

"_Ergh_!" Sandra growled, but didn't have a retort, so she continued to clean the taco gunk out of the drone with an electric toothbrush while Ryan watched impassively, "Shouldn't you be in engineering or something?" Sandra then asked in a rude tone of voice.

"Requirement: Pilot. Ryan volunteers," Ryan replied.

"Oh, I get it. Make me clean up the drone so you can steal my seat," Sandra deduced.

"Feed the drone: Captain's idea," Ryan reiterated, "Orders?"

"What? I can still give orders around here, c_aptain_?" Sandra replied with playful sarcasm, "Alright fine. You can pilot for the next jump. Just tell me if anything goes wrong."

"Drone: Required," Ryan warned her, "Ambush: Lethal. Drone: Necessary for defense."

"Yeah, yeah, I'll be done soon," Sandra grumbled, "Just don't crash my ship."

Ryan left without a word, having gotten what he wanted. Sandra knew she probably wouldn't live this stupid mistake down, but sometimes it was hard to tell in space what was alive and what wasn't. Aside from the Engi there was also a mysterious mechanical race called the Lanius. Engi believed ships were alive, and as far as Sandra could tell they might be. So, why not share her taco with a drone? Well, because she had to clean it up, that was why.

Ryan meanwhile got in the pilot's chair and set a course for the next jump. He didn't mind traveling through Engi space. Here it didn't matter if he was a bad pilot, because he was home. Besides, if he broke something it wouldn't take long to repair. For now he'd just enjoy the ride and hope the next jump wasn't into an asteroid field or something.

As it turned out the next jump had no bad weather (thankfully), but it did contain a rebel ship. Ryan was nervous. The rebels treated this ship differently than their old one because it looked like a Federation cruiser. If they attacked him, then he would have trouble dodging their attacks due to his lack of piloting experience. He needed Sandra back at the console, but hated to take her away from her job of fixing the drone she ruined.

Gathering his nerve, Ryan hailed the ship and hoped they would at least hear him out.

"Identify yourselves," The rebel captain demanded, "Are you a Federation ship?"

"Identification: Merchants," Ryan told them, "Purpose: Trade. Intentions: Peaceful. Confrontation: Undesired."

"Pretty big ship for merchants," The rebel captain observed, "If you're lying to me..."

"Deception: None. Purpose: Only trade," Ryan insisted, "Rebels: Allies. Weapon for sale: Bio beam. Price: Up for negotiation."

"You wanna sell us a bio beam?" The rebel captain asked, "Well, that would be useful to us. We're not officers though. We don't have a lot to trade."

"Price: Negotiable. Captain Perkins: Really hates that thing," Ryan added cheekily.

"Heh, some captains just don't get it," The rebel captain replied sympathetically, "Before I took over our old captain would attack everything that moved. We lost so many men that way. Even our old ship. We finally lost him on one of those ill-fated raids."

"Our old ship: Lost to asteroids. Reactor: Crapped out," Ryan recounted, "This ship: Designation: Leaky Bucket."

"Hahaha! Yeah, right! It's clearly anything but!" The rebel captain chortled, "Hey listen, you let us board to inspect the weapon, and I promise you won't have any trouble from us. Okay?"

"No weapons," Ryan insisted.

"Of course. No weapons," The other captain agreed.

With that promise between them Ryan turned off the comm and set the ship to drift. He ran out of the pilot's room to the closet they kept in the medbay and grabbed the orange and white uniform. Sandra would have to do some more of her convincing acting to get out of this situation.

* * *

The negotiations for the bio beam went fairly well, all things considered. The good part was that nobody got shot. The bad part was all the rebels were willing to trade for the weapon was 16 scrap, two missiles, and a drone part. Missiles didn't resell for as much as one would think, but otherwise everything else was useful to the crew.

After the trade was completed Sandra invited the rebels that came on board to have dinner with her and her crew. Ryan didn't like this idea, but didn't protest. He knew that the rebels, while a well-intentioned organization when it came to humans, was also a group that believed aliens were the ones harming the Federation. Rebels disliked non-humans, and Engi were decidedly not human.

As everyone sat down in the kitchen Ariel served up their meals for them. Ryan almost hit his head on the table when he saw what his partner was serving everyone: fish tacos. Ryan just couldn't catch a break today.

"You guys are gonna love these," Sandra told the rebels, "We bought them from Cramos IV where there's a thriving human colony that farms swai; a fish native to earth. Some Zoltan spices also help bring out the flavor."

"It's nice to have some real food," One of the lieutenants agreed, "I'm so sick of combat rations. They all taste like if toothpaste was somehow made of meat."

Everyone laughed at his description with the exception of the two Engi, who didn't understand the reference.

"I know what you mean," Sandra replied goodnaturedly, "One time on Sanction 21 my class was supposed to make our own form of nutrition, but the ingredients were all from the planet. A planet designed to sustain mechanical nanites, I might add. Trying to make that metallic mush into something edible to humans was a pretty tall order to ask of a kindergartener. Hah!"

"You lived on Sanction 21?" The rebel captain asked, "I was once stationed there back when I was serving in the Federation's armed forces. I defected to the rebels a few years after that, of course. Sanction 21 wasn't a bad planet though, if you could find someone that spoke proper Terran Standard."

"Engi: Adept at universal translation. Speech barrier: minimal," Ryan pointed out.

"See what I mean?" The captain asked with a wry smile, "Engi always sound like they took a normal sentence, chopped it up, removed the small words they didn't want, and then taped the sentence back together. It's so much easier talking to other humans."

"Admittedly the speech pattern takes a little getting used to, I guess" Sandra replied awkwardly; not comfortable with where this conversation was going, "However, I think all it takes is a little more exposure to Engi to understand them. I lived on that colony until I was 19, and I had no trouble navigating life there. If anything the hard part was learning _not_ to talk like them. The only reason I don't live there now is because the job market is fragged up. Ryan, Ariel, and I bought a ship so we could make our own fortune and not be saddled with what the Engi call 'career assignments'."

"Career assignments: Can eat Ryan's nonexistent shorts," Ryan agreed vehemently.

This strange proclamation from a being the rebels believed to be emotionless was met with uproarious laughter and a couple of shocked faces in the crowd. Sandra smiled at Ryan from across the table and lifted up her glass to show her approval. If anyone could get out of an awkward situation it was Ryan; Sandra's best friend and the greatest salesman ever forged out of trillions of tiny microscopic machines. Ryan's face carried no expression, but Sandra still knew he was grinning.

* * *

Dinner went over smoothly and dessert went even better. Sandra had bought a frozen sprinkle cake that she thawed for the occasion. While the humans chatted about human things Ariel and Ryan decided to excuse themselves from the conversation. They met in the oxygen room so they could guard it just in case. Oxygen is, after all, a vitally important part of spaceship travel.

"Rebels: Somewhat annoying," Ariel whispered to Ryan.

"Rebel's money: As good as anyone's," Ryan shrugged, "Profit: Adequate."

"Adequate: Insufficient for cost," Ariel scoffed, "Humans: Irritating. Superiority complex: Enough already."

"Ariel: Humorous," Ryan replied sincerely without actually laughing, "Transaction: Almost complete. Patience: Required."

"Fifty percent of your scrap: Mine," Ariel insisted.

"Agreed," Ryan nodded, "Status: Rebel Personnel records?"

"Status: Completed. Desirable outcome: Not achieved. Rebel captain: Identity: Confirmed. Roy Sherman. Recent contact from Federation: Tony Sherman. Relationship status: Brothers. Perkins: Playing dangerous game."

"Sandra's game: nonexistent," Ryan told her, "Acquaintance with Sandra: 24.257 cycles. State when meeting Sandra Perkins: Infanthood. Ariel's comprehension of bond: Impossible. Ryan's loyalty: Absolute."

"Loyalty to rebels: Possible?" Ariel asked him pointedly.

"Loyalty to Sandra: Unwavering," Ryan vowed, "Scenario: Sandra joins rebels. Outcome: Ryan joins rebels as well."

"Ryan: United to Ariel," Ariel reminded him, "Sandra: Not united to Ryan. Ariel: Status: United to Ryan."

"Conflict: Nonexistent," Ryan assured her, "Leaky Bucket crew: In this together. No conflict of interest currently detected."

"Good," Ariel replied sternly, "Scenario: Ryan chooses Sandra over Ariel. Outcome: Ryan is thrown out of airlock by enraged Ariel. Guarantee: Absolute. Suggestion: Don't mess with Ariel."

"Understood," Ryan nodded in agreement.

Without another word Ryan returned to engineering and Ariel returned to weapons, having come off the heels of what the Engi would call a disagreement of intent. Humans would call it a lover's quarrel. Either way, it was a good thing there was no couch for Ryan to sleep on.

* * *

Sandra helped the rebels load the bio beam into their cargo hold. They would take it to a nearby fuel depot to have it installed, so fortunately Sandra didn't have to put on her spacesuit and float out to drill a giant flesh melting gun onto their ship. That meant she was free to converse and not worry about suffocating.

"I've gotta say, dinner was excellent," The rebel captain told Sandra, "It's so nice to find fellow humans out in this Engi wilderness."

"Some wilderness. This sector is crawling with state-of-the-art technology," Sandra pointed out, "By the way, what are you guys doing out here? This place been conquered already?"

"Not conquered, liberated," The captain corrected, "Humans in this sector are basically second class citizens. Every other race in the galaxy thinks they're better than us, but we're here to prove otherwise. No species is as adaptable and as complex as we are. We deserve to be the masters of the galaxy."

"Uh huh. Just don't throw you back out from carrying that thing," Sandra quipped.

"What? The bio beam?" The captain asked.

"No, your ego," Sandra smirked.

"What? You agree with the Feds?" The captain asked crossly.

"No, but I don't have to agree with you either," Sandra stated, "You both want a better galaxy, and you both think you're the ones that are gonna make it better. Me? I don't care. Anybody's money is good and the forces of deep space are too much for anyone to control. The Federation can't stop supernovas. The rebels can't stop ion storms. We can mine asteroids, but when one pierces our hull all we can do is patch it up and move on with our lives. No species can solve everything, not even humans."

"We don't need to solve everything," The rebel captain debated, "Just the alien problem. When the Mantis War happened that should have woken the Federation up. Other species see us as a target. The Mantis were just the most obvious. The Engi and Zoltan try to worm their way inside our government so they can influence us. The Slugs try to steal all of our money and our best jobs. Rockmen try to intimidate us. They say the Lanius have even returned to certain abandoned sectors of space. We always have to be on alert, and no amount of your sass is going to change that, _captain_."

"True, but sass is my best weapon, so I'm going to use it whenever I can," Sandra replied unapologetically, "Also, _captain_, no need to be so formal. Call me Sandra. By the way, you got a name, big guy?"

"Roy," The rebel captain blushed while looking perturbed; caught off guard by the change in subject, "Roy Sherman."

"Sherman? I met a Sherman in the last sector. Called himself Tony," Sandra commented, "I told him I was a Federation captain to get some free scrap."

"Tony Sherman? That was probably my brother," Roy told her, "We went into the reserves together. When I joined the rebels I tried to convince him to come with me, but he was so blinded by Federation propaganda. Sandra, we're not the bad guys here. We deliver food to civilians, we keep our colonies safe, and we put the human race first. Do you know what I mean?"

"Sure, I think I see where you're coming from," Sandra shrugged indifferently, "Where I'm coming from though is that ship docked with yours, and on that ship are two of the finest crew members I could ever ask for. I don't care who wins or who loses. I just don't want anything bad to happen to Ryan and Ariel. They're the closest thing to family I have left."

"Hm, sounds like there's a story to go with that statement," Roy surmised.

"There is, but you'll never know it," Sandra winked, "If you and your Fed loving brother ever decide to start talking again, tell him Sandra Perkins says hi."

With that Sandra sauntered away and crossed the docking bridge back to her ship. She knew she probably didn't make any friends by defending her Engi crew, but she didn't much care. In her experience space was a big place, so she likely would never see him again anyway. After all, a super weapon was a one time purchase. It wasn't like she could sell him fabric or old data pads.

As Sandra made it back to the dining room she saw that the table had already been cleared of dishes thanks to her friends, and the two of them were playing cards.

"What game are you playing?" Sandra asked.

"Current game: Gin Rummy," Ryan replied.

"Cool. I play winners," Sandra said as she sat in the chair in between the two players.

"Future match: Perkins vs Ariel," Ariel declared.

"Incorrect. Future match: Sandra vs Ryan," Ryan contested cheekily.

The trash talking and strategy continued, and Sandra was content to just watch them play for a while. Soon the rebel ship would detach itself from their ship and fly off, and then The Leaky Bucket could go to the FTL beacon. Until then however, it seemed like this was the perfect way to celebrate another mediocre transaction.


End file.
